This is a guest post by Sue Atkins, parenting expert, coach, and author. Sue’s website offers guidance on bringing up happy, confident, and well-behaved children. See her previous post on communicating with your boys: Getting Boys To Open Up and Talk To You – Part I
- A desire for independence, the fierce desire to become independent can seem more pronounced in boys. They may not feel comfortable talking about their personal lives because they want to try to work out their problems and celebrate in their successes on their own, to feel more independent. Sons may also feel embarrassed about letting their parents in on details about their private lives.
- A lack of communication skills and confidence. Males of all ages are typically more left-brained than females, and therefore have more trouble communicating effectively. Pre-adolescent boys often feel like they don’t know what to say, and so are hesitant to talk to authority figures, including their parents. Even when older boys do know the answer to a problem, they may be reluctant to talk about it for fear of saying the wrong thing.
Encouraging Communication
What’s important is that you develop an atmosphere of trust and respect that encourages a feeling of safety, and that once your children do open up, you don’t judge, talk over them or presume!
When you talk to your son, remember to let him lead the conversation. Listen to him without interrupting, and don’t give your advice until he asks for it. Refrain from asking him questions that start with “Why did you…” because those types of questions seem like attacks.
Here are some classic ways to switch off your children.
- Asking too many questions. e.g. – “Why did you say that?”
- Being bossy. e.g. – “Do your homework right now and don’t argue”
- Lecturing. e.g.-“You should know better at your age”
- Criticizing/Shaming. e.g.-“How could you be so stupid?”
- Pitying. e.g.-“I’m so sorry for you, you poor thing”
- Rescuing.e.g.-doing it for them “Alright, I’ll take care of it for you”
- Jumping to conclusions. e.g.-“Late again! I suppose you’ve been up to no good!”
- Threatening and shouting.e.g.-If you don’t change your attitude, you’re grounded for a week”
- Always knowing best. e.g.-“I told you that would happen, didn’t I?”
Most of us find ourselves lecturing, ordering, and jumping to conclusions or even threatening our child but if we always presume the worst and speak to our kids like this we block communication.
And, effective communication is the oil that lubricates a good family and builds a lasting relationship between you and your kids.
Here are some of my Positive Tips for good communication:
- Remain silent most of the time!
- Be aware and sensitive to your child’s body language, e.g. whether they look disappointed, worried, angry, excited, pleased, etc…
- Show you are really listening by saying “I see…/uh-huh…” occasionally, and looking into their eyes without just staring to maintain good eye contact.
- Reflect back the gist of what they have said to you to check that you have understood them clearly.
- Avoid giving advice or offering suggestions. (Tough, I know, but believe me this one REALLY works).
- Show your child by the tone of your voice and body language that you really respect and care are genuinely trying to understand where they are coming from.
It’s worth remembering that most kids don’t like face to face chats. So it’s easier if you are doing something else at the time like emptying the dishwasher, driving them to a football practice or peeling the potatoes.
Often they like to talk when you’ve just settled down with a cup of coffee to watch your favorite TV programme or just climbed into bed exhausted or just run a lovely bath, but these can be the “Golden Moments” – the deep and meaningful chats – the ones that connect you to your kids and help bridge the gap of empathy.
Go with the flow and keep remembering the bigger picture to your parenting – bringing up the happy, confident, well-balanced children; tomorrow’s adult – tomorrow’s parent.
So just for this week what can you do to open up, not close down effective communications in your house?
