By Janet Allison of Boys Alive!
Really?!
As a parent coach, I often encourage parents to be “lazy.” Yep, there, I’ve said it!
Being lazy means you make the effort to give your children the responsibility they are capable of … and you do less and less and less.
Every parent wants their child to grow up to be self-reliant. But when does that begin? When he is 18 and walking out the door to college? Poof! Does he suddenly know how to do his laundry, grocery shop, and budget money?
I recently worked with parents who were frustrated because of their pre-teen son’s sense of entitlement. He expected the latest and greatest gadget and yet wasn’t willing to do his share of household chores. Delving further, it became clear that the maid had been making his bed… and on the days when the maid wasn’t there the parents made his bed. Whoa. When will he learn to make his bed? The day before he leaves for college?!
So, yes, I advocate laziness… if your child is capable of doing a task, let him do it. One mom told me, “But it’s just so much easier to do it myself.” Sure, likely it is. More efficient, perfectly done (to your standards) – what mom can resist that?
However, you are not serving your child… You are not allowing them to stretch and grow and build their own strong foundation of confidence and self-reliance – so they know they can handle any situation they encounter – at any age.
Lighten your load
Children age 0-7 live and learn by imitation. By taking the time during these early years to teach them – how to set the table, how to do the laundry, how to make a bed – you are instilling habits and they take pride in their sense of accomplishment.
A few tips:
- Age-appropriate responsibilities – help him stretch his capabilities. Boys thrive on challenge! Can you sweep the floor before the end of this song? Can you match all the socks? I can put away my clothes before you can!
- Pet care – is a great way to build self-reliance and empathy. Pets rely on us to care for them – and so they must be cared for first. Your son feeds the dog before he eats. And yes, he’ll need some reminding at first… but he won’t ever develop the habit if you do it for him!
- Model and explain how you solve problems. Have you gotten a new gadget that you have to figure out how to program? Be very explicit about how you go about it – and let him help you do it.
Noted psychiatrist Roger Lewin said, “Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.”
Our children will always be faced with problems … how are you building their self-reliance and self-confidence to be able to solve them?
About the Author: Janet Allison is Founder of Boys Alive! (www.boysalive.com) and Director of the Gurian Parenting Community (www.michaelgurian.com). She is a veteran teacher and author of Boys Alive! Bring Out Their Best! She helps parents and teachers understand gender differences and what boys need to be successful at home, in school, and life!
Photo of Boy in Bed by Sean Dreilinger, found on Flickr
