Steve Biddulph, author of Raising Boys and Manhood, asks this question wherever he goes. The answers may surprise (and dismay)…
- 30% have no relationship with their fathers
- 30% have a difficult and awkward relationship
- 30% simply go through the motions of being a dutiful son but without a deep connection
- Only 10% of men say that they are friends with their fathers!
Sad and shocking, isn’t it?
In his classic book, Manhood, (recently updated as The New Manhood), Steve Biddulph lays out the 7 Steps to Manhood. The first step is “Fixing it with your Father.” (and, side note, I believe this step is just as important for women as it is for men).
Steve reminds his readers that all [human] development follows a pre-determined sequence … and sounds the alarm for our boys and men: In a man’s development, the sequence has been forgotten and the process left largely to chance. Older cultures focused immense time and energy on raising boys with teaching, time with elders and ritual initiations.
Without the guidance of healthy men, from a young age and continuing into adulthood, boys are at risk of …well, staying a boy in a man’s body. NO ONE wants that yet we see examples of it every day, in the troubled teens and ‘boy-men’ around us.
Steve’s 7 Steps to Manhood offer a blueprint that is an enormous improvement over simply muddling on.
Fix It! But How?
Fixing the relationship with Father is the beginning of stepping fully into Manhood. Connecting to father is essential because that is the emotional line of contact to masculinity. Steve says, You cannot get on with your life successfully until you have understood him, forgiven him, and come in some way to respect him.
Get Rid of the Garbage
Sort out the left-overs. Everyone takes childhood perceptions into their adult life and bases many beliefs upon these limited, ego-centric perceptions. Our human tendency is to remember the bad and forget the good. Take time to sift and sort – and ASK your own dad about what was happening for him when you were a child, take the time to understand the larger picture of your childhood.
Then go further back, to really understand your father: How was his childhood? What was happening for his father?
Another aspect to sift and sort, especially if you were raised by a single mom, is to sort out HER beliefs and perceptions about your father. Is it time to reject (or accept) what she told you or implied as you were growing up?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T goes both ways.
Biddulph says, Respect (love mixed with admiration) is the food of the male soul. All children crave acceptance, love, approval. And ALL FATHERS are waiting for the same acceptance, love, and approval from their children, especially their sons.
Biddulph suggests giving lots of time for these conversations to unfold. Having father and son doing something together, away from mothers, and entering into these conversations with an open mind, with persistence, and with no expectations may produce surprising results!
What will YOUR son say when asked?
Just as fathers are the sum of a long line of learning, behavior, and male-ness, it is essential to consider how YOUR SON will answer the question, “How is your relationship with your father?” What changes will you make now to be sure he answers with wet, shiny eyes and a bright smile: “My dad is a great friend and role model!”
How important is it?
As Steve says, “Until you reach a place where you can feel love and respect for your father and also receive the love and respect of older men, you will remain a boy.”
Janet Allison is the author of Boys Alive! Bring Out Their Best! She is currently collaborating with DeAnna L’am to design the online event – Rites of Passage: Skillfully Guiding Girls to Womanhood and Boys to Manhood. Register at Boys Alive! to receive notice of this upcoming event.
