Lead by Example
By Running Girl
Is it possible to teach a child to be nicer? Each child is different and has their own gifts to offer. My oldest, Subway Dude, is 17. One trait of his that I admire is his loyalty to his friends. He will stand up for a friend no matter what. He shows this trait over and over again. We see this most clearly with the treatment of his sister. They are 2 1/2 years apart and have always been best friends. Sure, they bicker, but mostly they have a great relationship.
The Fashionista is 15. One of her best qualities is her empathy. She is intuitive about peoples’ needs. She encapsulates feelings in a way that is wise beyond her years.
Island Boy is now 5. One of his outstanding character traits is his tenacity. He has a strength of character and determination that is awesome to behold. Mostly it is an excellent trait to have. It has served him well in his life thus far. He has been through a lot. At some points this can come across as him being hard-headed and stubborn. We’re working on finding a balance, especially in his relationships with family members.
SD and TF had 13 years of being siblings before IB entered the picture. TF was thrilled beyond belief when her younger brother finally came home from Haiti to join our family. She was ready to be a big sister. SD was a little more laid back about the event. Two years ago he was a sophomore in high school and was busy with his own activities.
Wouldn’t you know that the sibling dynamics did not play out the way we anticipated? We assumed IB would bond quickly with TF and would grow to bond with SD as he got older. Instead, IB worships SD and is, shall I say it, often hostile toward his sister.
My husband, The Major and I try to point out to Island Boy all of the ways Subway Dude is a good brother to The Fashionista. We are hoping IB picks up on these behaviors. There are a few recent events that stand out in my mind when SD has gone out of his way for his sister. They are beyond IB at this point, but we hope IB will begin to follow his brother’s good example.
Recently the older kids had midterms. TF is a freshman and was experiencing the joys of these exams for the first time. They involve half-days and buses picking up and dropping off students at different times during the day. The buses are not their regular buses. This busing situation was a source of great concern to TF. She is cautious by nature and likes to plan her life down to every finite detail. SD is totally “go with the flow”. As a senior, he’s plowed through new situations without a second thought.
As midterms approached, TF peppered her older brother with questions about where and when to pick up the afternoon bus to get home after her first exam. “How do I know which bus to get on?”, “Where do the buses meet?”, “I get on and tell the driver where my house is?”, “What if I miss the bus?” Nonstop questions for days. He patiently answered her questions, one after another. At the end of the first day of exams I came home and asked how everything went. It turns out that SD not only waited for TF to get her safely on the bus with him, but he also passed up taking the first bus that would have gotten him home an hour earlier. All for the sake of making sure his younger sister got home without worry. He wouldn’t have even mentioned it to us.
A few weeks ago, TF was going to the movies with her boyfriend. SD was making plans with his girlfriend. TF said, “Hey, you guys should totally come to the movies with us!” Without hesitation, plans were made and the freshman sister and senior brother went on a double date.
SD is regularly called upon to help his sister with her math homework. When SD began talking about wanting to be a math teacher, we wondered if he was simply grabbing at a profession that he had seen his mom in. Then we thought back to all of the times he has worked with his sister. He is beyond patient. TF has a tendency to shut down when doing her math. “I DON’T GET IT!” SD quietly and patiently explains it to her various ways until she understands.
Today Island Boy heard me talking to The Fashionista about her relationship with her older brother. IB piped up, “I’m a good brother too!” I asked him to give me an example of how he is a good brother. He said, “One time I gave The Fashionista a flower.” Very nice. He is all about the grand romantic gestures. I guess it’s a start.
In the meantime, we’ll all continue to suffer through IB’s generally harsh treatment of his sister.
An example:
“We have cake? Hmmm, one piece for me, one for Subway Dude, one for Papa and one for Mama. That’s it.”
When I say, “What about this other piece? Doesn’t The Fashionista get a piece?” IB will reply, without hesitation, “Oh no, that’s for the cat.”
About the Author: Running Girl is the mother of 3, a wife, a music teacher, and a marathon runner. Please visit her blog: http://kaynou.wordpress.com/
Photo by Mike Baldwin
