By Contibuting Author Heather Schweich of 2 Sleeping Babies
I have two amazing little men.
But I never dreamed of them.
I love them with all my heart and cannot imagine life without them.
But I never planned for them.
Growing up I dreamt of being a mom, of my babies, of everything we’d do as a family. Every baby was a girl. I wanted all girls. I imagined myself with 4 daughters. My husband was horrified by the idea (how many shotguns can a man hold at one time?), but of course we didn’t have a choice.
When I was pregnant with Aedy, we did not find out the gender, we wanted the surprise. Of course, I was confident that my fantasies of a perfect baby girl with a bow in her hair within minutes of birth were accurate peeks into my future.
I was in pure shock when the Dr. told me that I had a boy. For two weeks I went by, loving my baby, bonding connecting, but part of me was very much missing the little girl that never was. I finally broke down and cried, apologizing to my son. And I moved on. But I needed that release.
With Jaron, we found out gender as soon as possible, but we kept it to ourselves. I was still not convinced that I was really having a second boy and cried some and still bought a few girl outfits, “just in case.” But I’d had time to prepare and emotionally, things went a lot smoother.
Gender Disappointment is a reality. Not everyone will experience it, and the large majority of those who do will never, ever admit it.
Wanting a girl does not mean I love my boys any less. I could not live without them, I would not live without them.
If I wind up with 4 boys, I will not wish for a single second that any of them were any different.
But I might want to have just one more baby. To see if I can have just one that I can dress up in ribbons and bows and have the kind of relationship that only mothers and daughters share.
But I do have to make some decisions now, about how I handle myself and my emotions; about how I will protect my sons from misunderstanding my longing for a girl.
Aedyn is 3, Jaron is 19 months. A few days ago I caught myself as I held up a little dress and breathed, “We need a girl….”
I don’t know when they start inferring things from words that I say, but I panicked for a moment , realizing that now or in the future they could mistakenly understand that to mean that they weren’t enough, or they weren’t wanted. Those thoughts as so far from the truth I can’t even express it!
So I will watch my words, I will watch how much time I spend wandering through the baby girl departments when we’re out shopping.
I will focus on the present. I will enjoy my sons, and not be thinking of “What if the next one is a girl?” while we play in the park or go out and run errands. I will be with my boys and not just around them. I will let them know without a doubt that they are my pride and joy and I would not change one. single. thing. about them.
And when the next baby comes, boy or girl, I will help them love their new baby as their own, as they love each other.
And we will be a family, no matter what our gender ratio is.
About the Author: Heather Schweich is the mom of 2 precocious little boys, Aedyn (almost 3) and Jaron (just turned 1). She loves chasing them all over the place and walking the line between letting them be boys and keeping them from killing themselves. In between their adventures (read: when they’re asleep) you can find her blogging and maybe reacquainting herself with a too long neglected sewing machine or crochet hooks. Check out her blog 2SleepingBabies.
Photo of 2 Boys Playing in Mud by Matt Stanford, found on Flickr
