My husband accepted a job on the other side of the country. My 2 sons are in elementary school. We live near family, and we are very close to them. How do I explain to my sons (who are in elementary school) that we are moving, and that it will be OK? – Susan, NY
Change is pretty hard. Just like adults, some kids like change and some kids can’t stand it. Even people who like change, or are looking forward to something new, will have some worries. Clearly you are worried about your sons’ reactions.
Nothing you do can alter the facts. You’re leaving friends and family and the known for the unknown. If you could smooth over all of that for them, it wouldn’t be a learning or growth experience.
The trick is to let them know that your family has an exciting challenge ahead. Acknowledge the bad and point out the good.
Research the answers to their most obvious questions beforehand. What school will they go to and what is it like? When can they visit? Do they have the same sports or activities your sons are doing now? How often can they see their friends and family back “home?”
Decide with your husband what the big message is for your children about this move. It might be “Great adventure ahead!” Or maybe “this is what we need to do as a family.” Perhaps you want them to keep thinking “This is hard but it will get better.” You may have a specific reason for this move that you are ready to share with them, and a value you want them to learn as a result. If so, make it clear and as simple as you can. Whatever your message, say it often.
Let your kids own their experience. Don’t praise their excitement or punish their unhappiness; you are not responsible for their emotions. Do praise helpfulness and any optimism they may show. Do continue to hold them responsible for their behavior. Nobody gets to start being mean because you’re moving.
Lastly, don’t be intimidated by anyone’s emotions. Manage your own worry by talking about it the way you want your kids to be able to talk about theirs, but you only get to mention it occasionally. Get rid of your guilt. This is the decision you’ve made and guilt will not help you or your children but it can push you to make bad choices.
Show empathy (to your kids, your friends and family, your husband, to yourself) but don’t apologize for your decision. And get Skype!
Dr. G (Deborah Gilboa, MD) is a family doctor, mom of four boys and founder of AskDoctorG.com. She accepts questions from parents on her site and offers her suggestions, as well as leading parenting seminars internationally. Her advice is focused on raising children to be respectful, responsible and resilient! Please check out one of the free tools on her site: Talking to Kids About Tough Topics.
Photo of For Sale sign by thinkpanama, found on Flickr
