This is a guest post by Daniel Ruyter. Daniel is a work at home dad of two boys, ages 8 and 18 months. He started Memoirs of a Single Dad – a blog about being a single dad and the challenges of finding love as a single parent. Then, when he least expected it (it’s true, not just saying that for effect) he met his true love – Jenb. After a year together, they started the site The Blended Family Blog where they write about parenting trials and tribulations, their newfound love, relationships and making things work in a blended family.
This Father’s Day will be my 8th. Wow, 8 years I’ve been a father already. I can’t believe my son is growing up so fast – they always do. But this year is a little different for me. I have two sons to celebrate Father’s Day with this year and yet, I feel myself struggling with it just a bit. Having two sons is obviously brand new to me, but I’m not entering the situation in the typical fashion. My holiday will be celebrated as a blended family. The biggest challenge I’ve found so far trying to handle two relationships now with my 8 year old and an 18 month old? Balance! But how does one find zen in a blended family?
Father’s Day Balance in a Blended Family
One of the biggest parts of being a father to two boys that I now wrestle with is balancing my time and attention with both of them. My older son is from my previous marriage, so he splits his time between my home and his mother’s. I have him a fair amount of time (it’s never quite ‘enough’ in a co-parenting situation) during the week and half of the summer, but because he’s not around 24×7 I definitely find myself appreciating the time we do have together a bit more.
On the other hand, my younger son is with me almost all day every day. I work from home 4 days a week and his mommy (JenB) works nights, so I have the luxury (sometimes it’s torture) of spending quite a bit more time with him than I do my oldest. How do you balance time, love and affection between two children when there’s built-in imbalance in the amount of time you’re available to parent them? That’s a challenge that more and more parents are faced with, as blended families and working parents become more the norm than the traditional nuclear family.
Quality Time for Each
I read a book a few years back that has really stuck with me. The book called The Five Love Languages by author Gary Chapman. As the title would suggest, the author believes that each person has a primary and sometimes a secondary love language. The book is written for romantic relationships but the principles can be applied to all types of relationships. One of the love languages described in the book is what Chapman calls “quality time”. My oldest is a “quality time” kinda kid; I’m convinced of it. When he’s with us, he requires some regular one-on-one time with me for him to feel loved and appreciated and I’m more than happy to oblige. I think his ‘clingyness’ can partially be traced back to him being absent from my home for part of the week. Luckily, JenB is an awesome mom and she understands the importance of daddy-son time and lets us have our guy time every once in a while.
My youngest also requires the same quality time but in a different form. He’s not asking me to play with him (yet) like my oldest, but you can still tell that the interaction we have together strengthens our bond every single day. He may not be my child biologically but I can’t imagine calling him anything other than ‘Son’.
What challenges do you face in your family dynamic? What tactics do you use to deal with those challenges?
