By Contributing Author Janet Allison of Boys Alive
I recently followed a father and his 4-year old son out of the grocery store. Dad said to son,“Good job! I am so proud of you! What a great job you did!”
I wondered what the boy thought his dad was actually saying.
Sure, he could tell by dad’s voice and body language that he was pleased.
But, did he really know exactly what he had done to be awarded such praise?
Would he be able to repeat the behavior on the next trip to the store?
Nurture Shock and the inverse power of praise –
Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman is filled with ground-breaking ideas (backed up by solid research) that will change how you view parenting – and praise.
They explain that over 85% of American parents think it is important to tell their kids that they are smart. What they’ve discovered is that by praising our children’s intellect – we may actually be causing them to under-perform.
Rather than praising intellect, they’ve found that praising effort gives children a variable they can control.
What are some effective ways to praise?
Try these on for size this summer:
- “I like how you keep trying.”
- “You kept your eye on the ball when it was coming to you.”
- “You really concentrated on that project!”
- “You almost made it up that ladder!”
Paint your praise – in specifics —
YOU are the painter. YOU give your child pictures to learn and grow from. When you give your child a specific picture (and the more detailed the better), you are giving them a picture to build and expand upon so that they can:
- Feel the sincerity of your praise
- Know you’ve been paying attention to them
- Know where and how to improve
Remember that dad in the grocery store? Let’s give him some new words of praise, so his son will know what to do the next time:
“Son, you helped me in the store when you counted out the apples. You stayed right beside me and helped push the cart. I enjoyed being at the store with you!”
Will the boy know what to do the next time? Absolutely!
SUMMER is a great time to refine your praise when your child is active and you, hopefully, have some relaxed time to spend together.
Changing the way you praise (burying those “good jobs” forever) can be challenging.
But the payoff?
Children who feel in control of their own effort and therefore their own success!
Enjoy summer!
P.S. A FUN summer play idea – find old hay bales (look on Craigslist). Kids love to pile ’em up for forts, tunnels, roads, and more. When they are done, they make great mulch for your garden!
Janet Allison is Founder of Boys Alive! (www.boysalive.com) and Director of the Gurian Parenting Community (www.michaelgurian.com). She is a veteran teacher and author of Boys Alive! Bring Out Their Best! She helps parents and teachers understand gender differences and what boys need to be successful at home, in school, and life!
Photo of Dad & Son by Allen Ang, found on Flickr
