Son #2 has been challenging. He is very smart, but unmotivated. I worry about him and want to help him change his attitude before life gets harder.
He basically decides that whatever task at hand (whether at home or school) is simply not of interest to him. So he chooses not to do it. I’ve talked to other mothers dealing with the same issue with their sons. The first question people ask is, does he understand what’s expected of him and is he capable of doing the work? Yes he understands and yes he is capable. In fact, he’s rather bright. For example, if you ask him to solve, say a basic math problem or reading task, 90% of the time he’ll tell you it’s to hard and he doesn’t know the answer. Then, as I help him solve the problem or if I’m in the kitchen with him and move on to work on other tasks, he blurts out the correct answer to the initial question.
In school, he doesn’t want to do anything. Oftentimes, when he does, it’s haphazard and not to the level of his abilities. If you introduce a reward that he really wants, it’s amazing – he’ll complete his work in a right away and of very good quality. Since we’ve seen his really outstanding work, we know he is MORE than capable.
We tried rewarding him for effort, but there are very few rewards that matter to him. Likewise, punishments are a challenge because half the time he’ll convey an attitude of “so what if I loose X privilege – it just doesn’t matter.”
I thought that perhaps ADHD was an issue, but it doesn’t appear to be. He can draw or color or focus on what he wants to for considerable amounts of time. In fact, he’s quite an artist for his age.
He’s an adorable guy; kind and thoughtful, but, it also seems difficult for him to make friends. He seems to enjoy his alone time when he’s with friends, then wants friends over when he’s alone. It’s still difficult to get him to share sometimes.
My question then becomes, is this an issue of control, defiance, or lack of motivation? Maybe desire for attention, or not understanding expectations? It’s really concerning because it needs to be addressed now – not when real habits are formed as he gets older. And…if unresolved, what will his future years in school be like?
Pulling from my own personal experience, I was the child always labeled as does not work to full potential. My parents and everyone around me just accepted that I was the cute / but not intellectual child. Nobody ever really pushed me or help me set goals. I guess they thought I did the best that I could. I was not motivated to do better. School was boring to me. It was a means to an end. Nobody looked to identify my learning style or to test me for any underlying problems that might prevent me from doing better. They just accepted that I didn’t work to the fullest potential and that was that. Looking back, if I were my child, I would have been asking questions, seeking help, setting goals, changing schools. It’s not ok to let your children do poor work when they are capable. It’s the job of a parent to help them find the focus and drive to do he best they can. Especially in the early developing years where so much will come from what is established today. Why make your child’s life harder in the future if you can get answers now.
That’s why I’m so frustrated about this. I’d love your comments on this or to hear similar stories.
By Renee Martinez, Founder of Raising Boys World
