Our sons are only two and we already see the gender stereotyping. Well-meaning relatives comment on how they’re “all boy.” Others give excessive praise when they learn words like “basketball” and “football man.” As mothers, too, we’ve faced criticism for promoting anything outside these masculine norms. We’ve been attacked for saying we’d rather our sons join Boy Scouts than a soccer team. We’ve felt disapproving looks when we dressed our boys in pink (by the way, it’s only when one son wears his pink polo shirt that he gets mistaken for a girl).
And then there are the frightening statistics related to boys. When it comes to grades and homework, girls outperform boys in elementary, secondary, high school, college, and even graduate school. Boys make up two-thirds of the students in special education and are five times more likely to be classified as hyperactive. Judges commit boys to the juvenile justice system more than then they commit girls, even for the same crime. For every 100 women enrolled in college, there are 77 men enrolled.
Based on this information, one would think there truly are differences between boys and girls. But that’s not the case. It’s a myth that little boys are wired for aggression and prefer trucks and things that go vroom. So it seems that these “differences” and the shrinking self-esteem of boys aren’t a result of subverting male gender roles, but rather are a consequence of limiting boys to these roles in the first place. As girl culture grows, our little guys internalize the message that some of this fun stuff is off limits to them merely because they are boys. And it’s not just dolls and princesses, but also a long list of emotions including compassion and sympathy.
As mothers of sons, we struggle with this reality everyday. How do we disabuse ourselves of subconscious notions about gender, even when we try hard to create a home free of them? How do we make sure the boys know it’s okay to cry? How do we teach them to access and not be embarrassed by the entire range of human emotions available to them? How do we ensure they have a full life experience?
Parenting coach and blogger Gina Osher of The Twin Coach suggests that we counter others’ limiting labels by pointing out the broader picture: “Yes, he loves cars. But he also enjoys caring for his baby doll and cooking pancakes.” We can paint their toenails pink, if they ask. When they fall at the playground and cry, we can offer a shoulder to cry on instead of telling them that they’re fine and to simply shake it off.
We can simply do the best we can. If we’re accused of confusing gender roles, so be it. If women and men don’t know their place, maybe there will just be more places available to all of us.
– The Sarahs of Salt & Nectar
